Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
I hate small towns, because once you've seen the cannon in the park, there's nothing else to do.
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
When a book and a head collide, and there is a hollow sound, is it always from the book?
Journalism largely consists of saying, "Lord Jones is dead" to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
The United States is like the guy who, at the party gives cocaine to everyone, and still no one likes him.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They're cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
You're a good example why some animals eat their young!
Is that a beard, or are you eating a muscrat?
After twelve years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo Ingles."
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run alone, he would have lost.
Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them made.
Last night, I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmellow, and when I woke up, my pillow was gone!
Nice guys finish last; but we get to sleep in.
There is no gravity. The earth sucks!
When the going gets tough, the smart get lost!
Hamlet as performed at the Brooklyn Shakespeare festival: "To be or what?"
A woman talks to one man, looks at a second, thinks of a third, and kisses all three.
Veni, Vidi, Visa! (Latin for: We came, We saw, We went shopping)
Any girl can be glamorous; all she has to do is stand still and look stupid.
Cute rots the intellect.
There's a new awareness of style in the Soviet Union. The premier's wife recently appeared on the cover of House and Tractor.
If homosexuality was normal, God would have created Adam and Bruce.
My parents, when I was young, put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Tragedy + Time = Humor
People who use the rhythm method are called parents.
Getting caught is the mother of invention.
Middle age begins with the first mortgage payment and ends when you drop dead.
A love is someone, who when you ask him, tells you.
When the Emperor Constantine turned Christian, he banned the eating of sausage, which of course immediately created a whole army of sausage bootleggers and may explain why Al Capone always looked like a sausage.
A louse in the cabbage is better than no meat at all.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded, DEAD! They're like sucking snot out of a paper bag!
In Mexico, they have a word for Sushi: BAIT!
If you want to look young and thin, hang around old, fat people.
No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is made entirely of fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never has owned a car.
Support wildlife... Throw a party!
Cockroaches and socialites are the only things who can stay up all night and eat anything.
In America, you can always find a party. In Russia, the party always finds you!
Classical music is music written by dead foreigners.
Do it big or stay in bed!
When I was young, we didn't have MTV - we had to take drugs and go to concerts.
If Borg's parents hadn't liked the name, he might never have been Bjorn.
Running is an unnatural act; except from enemies and to the bathroom.
Any pitcher who throws at a batter and deliberately tries to hit him is a communist.
In Italy a woman can have a face like a train wreck if she's blond.
In Italy, you lose a point off your IQ every year. Same goes for California.
Nothing is wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.