The Lord never gives you any more than you can handle... Unless you die of something.

Why is it that we rejoice at birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we're not the person involved.

Death is nature's way of saying "Howdy!"

Wit is educated insolence.

I knew that I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my first bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggrevate.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

Love is an ocean of emotions surrounded by expenses.

Love is a grave mental disease.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman could ever have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt!

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

I'm as pure as the driven slush!

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.

Don't play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it.

If it wasn't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of the television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

I haven't been wrong since 1980 when I thought I made a mistake.

Always forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Absence makes the heart go yonder.

There's no pleasure in having nothing to do. The fun is having lots to do and not doing it.

The only people who have a right to complain about what I do for a living are vegitarian nudists.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.

She had 2 complexions, A.M. and P.M.

I consider exercise vulgar. It makes people smell.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress; But I repeat myself.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight!

I'd rather be black than gay, cause when you're black, you don't have to tell your mother.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic and so am I.

Better that a girl has beauty than brains, because boys see better than they think.

I like talking to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

I would rather be a coward than brave, cause people hurt you when you're brave.

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one. Especially if he plays golf.

It is easier to be gigantic than to be beautiful.

I only like two kinds of women: Domestic and Foreign.

Where but in Kenya can a man, who's grandfather was a cannibal watch a really good game of Polo.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped right into action; they rented out my room!

The best cure for hypochondria is to forget about your body and get interested in someone else's.

New Invention -- Snap-on acne for people who want to look younger.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next to last mistake.

Newspapermen learn to call a murder an "alleged" murder, and the King of England the "alleged" King of England to avoid libel suits.

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet remindes you of someone else.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel.

After 3 days, fish and guests stink.