Walt Disney is not dead. He's in suspended animation.

If you had everything, where would you keep it?

Someone put live piranha in our swimming pool. If we don't swim there anymore, the piranha will starve.

The use of 'goto' statements is discouraged, especially with the label HELL:

What's the sound a name makes when it's dropped?

My friends...what are hot dogs? Chopped dog? No, they're chopped eyeballs, and what's better on eyeballs than A-1?

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. - English Professor, Ohio University

A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

God is love; Satan is 30 and up one set.

What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

I haven't lost my mind; I'm sure it's backed up on tape somewhere!

Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.

If Milli Vanilli falls down in the woods, does someone else make a sound?

There's more than one way to skin a cat. Way #15: Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.

All persons, living or dead, are purely coincidental, and should not be construed. - Kurt Vonnegut

There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

If you hear an onion ring, answer it.

Better to Trade Knowledge than Something of Value.

Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over, trapping you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come. - Nietchze

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. - Dave Barry

Chu P'ing-man spent a thousand in gold and three years learning dragon killing from Hunchback Yi only to learn there was no place for him to practice his art.

I like my penis, but I do not think it requires boldface, capitalization, italics, or other forms of typographical emphasis. - Eugene Bild, Chicago Reader

.Sig! .Sig a .Sog! .Sig it loud! .Sig it .Strog! - Karen Carpenter with a head cold

Poetry and Power Tools: "The sun creeps up / THE DAY AWAKES / ..."

Unlike the cleaning lady, I have to do Windows.

Gulf War Lite: High in accomplishments, with 2/3 fewer casualities than our regular war!

[Warning on knife]: Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.

I wrote a program in Lisp once...it wrote back to me.

Living right doesn't really make you live longer, it just SEEMS like longer.

Q: Where does virgin wool come from? A: Ugly sheep.

Hello! I'm a signature virus. Join in the fun and copy me into yours!

Thought for the day: What if there were no hypothetical situations?

I've truncated, and I can't round up!

Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coop? If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

"Personal" ad in local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings: Engagement, wedding and teething. Have news. Debbie.

Getting tired of children? Ever heard of youthanasia?

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

Scientific American, July 1991: The column describes an insect-like robot and then relates an incident in which a curious visitor, upon seeing the thing for the first time, asks "is it a bug?" The reply: "No, it's a feature."

Quantum particles: The dreams that stuff is made of.

"Can you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here," asked Alice. "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the cat.

The other day I put my wrists in front of my eyes. I had Carpal Tunnel Vision Syndrome.

While travelling near Tampa, Florida I passed the "Jehovah's Witness Assembly Hall" and was struck by the fact that that must be where they make them.

Twice five syllables / Plus seven can't say much but / That's Haiku for you.

Be on the lookout for a leopard which escaped from the zoo early this morning. It was spotted near the corner of 12th and Cherry at around 8am, and in all likelihood still is.