A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... (slow glance upward)
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!