Every time a sexy woman jumps out of a giant cake there is at least one guy who is bummed about the cake being ruined.
I bet the reason most blind people don't skydive is because it would scare the crap out of their dog.
In grade school it’s called bullying, but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kid's meals cost $150!
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search. It may be a while before I go out in public again.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not. They're all checking their phones...
I eat tacos over a tortilla. So when stuff falls out...BOOM! Another taco!
I do to have a hybrid vehicle! It burns both gas AND rubber!
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Didn't Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
I wonder how long it will take this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.
"Taking candy from a baby" would actually be a responsible thing to do.
It's called "Biscotti" because nobody would buy "chocolate covered croutons."
When Bill Gates' life flashes before his eyes, I hope it appears as a PowerPoint presentation that employs every cheesy transition & effect.
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.
So I turned my phone onto “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
It’s getting warmer out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitoes!
You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!
Sometimes, when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes, when you hurt, no one sees your pain. Sometimes, when you're happy, no one sees your smile. But pass gas just one time .......
Don't worry, if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet!
The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you're with someone you're not supposed to be seen with.
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
Dear Math, Please grow up and solve your own problems! I'm tired of solving them for you...
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
Dear Children, When you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
I hate spelling errors... You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
Why would saying "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" loudly make you sound precocious?
After a certain age, they become less like "birthdays" and more like "sell-by dates."
Birthday cake is the only food that you can blow and spit on and everyone still rushes in to get a piece!
Life was much easier when apples and blackberries were just fruits.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore...
Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. Everybody belongs in the kitchen. The kitchen has the food!
If I was the guy that made Where’s Waldo books, I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
Kids today are so coddled - Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, just remember that there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the pool noodle.
Shaking my iPad to "Auto-Rotate" the screen brings me back to my childhood playing with a "Etch A Sketch!"
I've noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I'm getting better at coloring in the lines!"
Bored? Send "I hid the body. What's next boss" to a random number.
The bottle of Pepto Bismol says 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
Some people should come with subtitles.
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson’s family has been abducted... They really need to stop leaving the house!
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list, 'cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it!
I always thought putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhhhh... Not another word" was super-romantic... Apparently the judge didn't think so...