SIMPLE -- SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiots Monopurpose Programming Linguistic Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END, and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error.
SLOBOL -- SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers actually allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Three or four programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers try to return to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
VALGOL -- From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y'KNOW. Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other operators include the "California Booleans," FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions of code are handled in FERSURE loops. VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages.
LAIDBACK -- Historically, VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK, which was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there for long, since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
SARTRE -- Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose, they just are. Thus, SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed and are no fun at parties.
FIFTH -- FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, DUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER, to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM, and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, MOET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATSEVERAROUND.
C -- This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C is best described as a "low level" programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C statements than machine code statements to exercise a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
LITHP -- This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set. Programmers and users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in prothething lithtth.
DOGO -- Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy graphics," a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as he travels across the screen.
FOCUSALL -- a language designed to run on small DEC machines with minimal memory. Its only supported distribution is paper tape, for loading in from an ASR-33 teletype. This takes 20 minutes, after which the user is greeted with the message: CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE JUST LOADED FOCUSALL! The interpreter is then ready to accept any valid command. The only valid command is: LOAD FOCUSALL which causes the system to once again load the interpreter.
PINBOL -- PINBOL is best known for the chance involved in making its program run. Three tries at running are allowed, after which the message "GAME OVER. INSERT QUARTER AND TRY AGAIN" is displayed. Some allowable PINBOL instructions and their meanings are: LEFT FLIPPER - Illogical Left Shift RIGHT FLIPPER - Illogical Right Shift SHOOT - Try to Run PINBOL is known to be extremely addictive. Those who are fluent PINBOL programmers are known as PINBOL WIZARDS.
GERITOL -- This language is characterized by the habits of its ardent users. Instructions frequently forget their function while executing and conclude with the "I USED TO KNOW THAT" condition code. Loops tend to repeat frequently at sporadic intervals, even when not initiated.