There is no use in walking five miles to fish when you can depend on being just as unsuccessful near home.

An angler is a man who spends rainy days sitting around on muddy banks of rivers doing nothing because his wife won't let him do it at home.

Fishermen don't lie. They just tell beautiful stories.

In order to know if a human being is young or old, offer it food of different kinds at short intervals. If young, it will eat anything at any hour, day or night.

April 1 - The day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

A woman never forgives anyone who keeps her from making a fool of herself over a man.

An athiest is a guy who watches a BYU-SMU football game and doesn't care who wins.

Nothing is as mean as giving a teenager something useful for Christmas.

Women who are not vain about their clothes are usually vain about not being vain about their clothes.

Neckties strangle clear thinking!

A committee is a group of people who individually, can do nothing, but collectively, can meet and decide that nothing can be done!

A diplomat's life is made up of three ingredients: protocol, geritol, and alcohol.

Diplomacy: The art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock!

I have an idea that the phrase "weaker sex" was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm.

Nature makes boys and girls lvoely to look upon so they can be tolerated until they aquire some sense.

#1 Best Seller: "How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children"

One of the disadvantages of having children is that eventually they get old enough to give you presents they made at school.

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.

Author Unknown: "I think the world is run by C students."

Smartness runs in the family. When I went to school, I was so smart, my teacher was in my class for five years.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke!

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot!

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I had twenty-eight years ago.

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine!

Anyone seen on the bus after the age of thirty has been a failure in life.

Will Rogers - "I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable!"

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.

Dick Gregory - "I never believed in Santa Claus, 'cause I knew that no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark!"

The trouble with the rat race, is that even if you win, you're still a rat!

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.

I base my fashion on what doesn't itch!

You can't say civilization doesn't advance... In every war they kill you in a new way!

Join the Army... See the world, meet new interesting people and kill them.

The Israelis are the Doberman Pinchers of the Middle East. They treat the Arabs like postmen.

Never get into fights with ugly people, 'cause they have nothing to lose.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday; lying on hospitals dying of nothing!

Romanian-Jewish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.

Eat, drink and be merry, for tommorrow we may diet!

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper!

Most Texans think that Hanukkah is some kind of a duck call.

New York now leads the world's greatest cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

San Francisco is like granola: Take away the fruits and nuts and all you have are the flakes.

In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.