I've been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don't know karate.
I read my kids a few select Facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school."
I’m going to switch my insurance from Geico to Allstate, then State Farm, then back to Geico. If I’m correct, they should owe me $950
Why does Play-Doh say "fun to play with, not to eat" then make 1000 accessories that all make it shaped like food?
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in the toy chest…
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
I hate it when people see me at the supermarket and they say... ‘Hey, what are you doing here?’ I tell them ‘You know... hunting elephants.’
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn't notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
People who go to the store and buy a single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy!
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm never included in things either.
Our 15 year old sent a text asking my wife to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So she's wearing hers because good moms listen.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people to death in person with photo albums.
If you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren't allowed to vote, just watch the Teen Choice Awards!
Do you think the inventor of USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Five second rule? Pfft. What's the point of having an immune system if you're not going to use it?
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy…
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the Wi-Fi router and wait for them in the room it's in.
I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.
It bugs me when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don't show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 years. Dogs run & they live for 15 years. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
If we shook out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards on earth, we could end world hunger.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the world is wrong with you.
If they just built prisons out of the stuff they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
If ignorance really was bliss, we'd have a lot more really happy people around here!
Ikea = Legos for adults.
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can't think of a good reply"?
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd from a great distance, but vending machines can't recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner... hmmm...
Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed, or you wake up with a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you're in.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It's called lunch.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.