Redneck Haven Volume 1

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

You've ever used lard in bed.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.

There is a stuffed pposum anywhere in your house.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

The primary color of your car is "bondo".

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"

You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)

You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You've been too drunk to fish.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

You've ever used a weedeater indoors.

You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

Your riches relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.

You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.