It's fine to eat a "test grape" from the produce section, but take one bite of a rotisserie chicken, and suddenly you have a personal escort out of the store.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.
According to this BMI chart ... I am to short.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I'm on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don't want to attract any attention.
There needs to be more “Crap! I missed my exit!” exits…
I fear the day when our kids look at old YouTube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a strange generation ours was.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.